GIVING MUMS A SECOND CHANCE

MY THREE-month-old baby, Anicius, was recently warded at KK Women ’s and Children ’s Hospital, where we came into contact with many student nurses on practical attachment.

One particular nurse caught my attention. She seemed to have more experience, more desire to learn, and was always looking out for patients’ needs. We became acquainted. Jamilah Beelim, 41, had graduated in 1987 with a sociology and economics degree and worked as an administrator.

Later, like many highly educated women, she chose to stay at home to bring up her children. Last year, when her daughters were aged 9 and 14,she decided to embark on a second career as a nurse and was sponsored by the Institute of Mental Health Hospital for a two-year diploma. Several of her classmates, too, one of them with a masters in education, are returning to work after a homebound spell.

As more women become highly educated and enter the workforce, they are faced with this dilemma when they have children: Should they give up their career for the sake of their children?
What about their own needs and dreams? Wouldn’t a maid, childcare centre or grandparents be sufficient? What if they choose to stay at home and miss the boat? Would any employer be willing to employ them when they try to re-enter the work force?

With a host of incentives offered to get more women to give birth, society and employers need to send a positive signal to women – that it is all right to take a few years off to bring their children up.

They should not propagate the view that it is a waste of money and education if a woman stays at home to look after her children. Or that a woman over the age of 40 is “over the hill ” or past her prime for a second chance to re-start her career.

Carrying a child for nine months is the easy part. The real work starts when you bring the child home. A child needs to grow up in an environment where essential values like love, honesty, and self-discipline can be cultured. A maid, no matter how efficient, can never replace the role of a mother.

As the number of working mothers rise, there seem to be more children who are growing up self-centred, demanding instant gratification.

While many factors can contribute to this, I would say one possible reason is that children are brought up by maids who are always at their beck and call. And so children are used to giving orders from a very young age.

I can only wonder about this effect on a whole generation of children. As more Singaporeans become “weekend parents ” (when the weekend is their only interaction time with their children), we should pause and think carefully about the quality of parenting care our children are getting.

Jamilah has no regrets about the choice she made — being there for her children. And she was fortunate enough to be given the chance to re-enter the job market.

Perhaps now would be a good time for Singaporean women to reflect on their roles as the primary care giver in the family.

Would bringing up happy, well adjusted children be their priority in life, or would they be more satisfied with juggling a demanding career, a husband and children?

Can the Singaporean woman be content with being a highly educated housewife for a short period of time?

Or is it time for society to accept the possibility of having a highly educated house-husband bring up children while his wife works?

This article first appeared in TODAY on 12/12/2005