Delayed gratification: Test of true love

Being married, monogamous and yet having a meaningful relationship with one's spouse seems a tall order nowadays. Psychiatrist M Scott Peck's discourse on the topic of love differentiates between love and being "in love". Love is not a feeling but an activity, defined as the willingness to extend oneself for one's own and another's spiritual growth.

The notion of romantic love that seems to pervade society today engulfs me sometimes.

From reading Mills & Boon to watching Sex and the City, I am seduced to believe that I am not truly in love unless I have that incredible "I'm in love" feeling.

At times, I possess feelings of love for other men and am tempted to act on those feelings. In an age of regular iPhone upgrades, we sometimes wish we could upgrade our spouse or we would begin to look for alternatives.

One gets to see one's spouse in his better moments but more often in his worse. Therefore, when we meet other men, when the opportunity arises, it is easy to fall in love.

They seem more caring, more sensitive to our needs, more in tune to our emotions. They seem more handsome, respectable, strong and stable. These are signs of falling in love.

Has one ever wondered what would happen if these upgrades stay for a year or more? Being accustomed and addicted to the feeling of love, one would soon be looking for the next upgrade.

Peck warned us to be careful of the "in love" feeling for two reasons. First, falling in love is specifically an erotic experience, which explains why most adulterous relationships often focus on sex. Second, this feeling is always only temporary.

The test of true love is to practise delayed gratification. One would stop and think.

A genuinely loving individual would take loving, constructive action if feelings develop for another man: Walk away and stay committed to the person one has vowed to build a life with together.

This was first published in TODAY on 26th Dec 2012

http://www.todayonline.com/Voices/EDC121226-0000007/Delayed-gratification--Test-of-true-love

BRIDE FOR A DAY OR WIFE FOR A LIFETIME?

RECENTLY, a friend called and asked me to speak to her grandchild who had run away. She had dropped out of school and was spending most of her time at the arcade. Her divorced parents were at their wits' end.

Another child from a single parent's home is now living in a girl's home because she was caught shoplifting.

While we cannot generalise that all children from broken homes will end up as delinquents, the risk is a serious consideration whenever couples contemplate divorce or separation.

While there are legitimate reasons for divorce — such as if one spouse is abusive or unfaithful — there is also rising concern that more people are getting married and divorced on a moment's whim.

If someone wants to be a taxi driver, he has to undergo training before he is given a licence. He has to know the basic tourist attractions and road names, how to handle passengers and to keep the taxi clean. Similarly, a tour guide is trained before he is licensed.

Upgrading courses are also conducted regularly.

Why is it, then, so simple for one to get a licence to marry? And if an employee is required to go for continuous upgrading throughout his professional life, why is it that a married couple is not required to revitalise and rejuvenate their marriage once they pass a certain number of years?

A friend of mine married her boyfriend at the age of 19 because she found out that she was pregnant with his child. One year later, she divorced him and left the child to be brought up by her parents while she went in search of a new boyfriend.

While in the past, it was expected that a man marry his pregnant girlfriend, the marriage usually worked because there was the network of an extended family to provide the emotional and social support this young couple needed.

Now, because of the predominance of the nuclear family and the stigma of divorce being not what it was in the past, perhaps it's time for society to re-examine the role of a single mother or father.

Two wrongs do not make a right, and forcing someone to marry because of the unborn child is cruel to both the parents and the child. The child could be offered for adoption or the father or mother should bring up the child alone.

Another friend did not do the irresponsible thing — he did not marry his estranged pregnant girlfriend. Instead, he continued to play his role as a father and waited patiently for the right partner to turn up. Six years later, he married someone he felt could provide a secure and safe environment for the child.

While it is impossible to mandate that all couples go for compulsory counselling before a marriage licence is issued, perhaps it would be good for couples to consider why they should take that uncharted step.

There are many reasons why couples choose to walk down the aisle.

It could be that their HDB flat has been built, so they need to get married in a hurry. It could be that the girl is dying to be a bride and so considers the bridegroom as optional extra.

It could also be that both had given in to societal pressure or lack the courage to break up a relationship because everyone was expecting them to tie the knot.

But there is only one reason that will see a marriage through for the long haul — and that is to make the other person happy.

So, let those women who fantasise about being a bride pause and ask: Why must I get married? Do I need to in order to be happy? What is the difference between being a bride for a day and a wife for a lifetime?

If all you can think about is the wedding gown, the flowers and the photo shoots, perhaps you should consider being a bridal model instead — it is less painful to break a professional contract than a marriage contract.

This article first appeared in TODAY on 1st July 2006.

A RITE TYPE OF LOVE

MY husband and I have been married for 18 years as of last Saturday.

I remember that when we were preparing for the wedding, there were many rites and rituals we chose not to follow. Of course, there were a few that we did, to please our parents, such as the wedding dinner and the church ceremony.

But we did not go to the studio to have our wedding portraits taken; neither did I have make-up done a by professional. My wedding gown was hand-sewn by my students and I arranged a simple bunch of yellow lilies tied with a pink ribbon.

For our honeymoon, we backpacked all the way to Bangkok on a shoe-string budget.

Over the years, I have observed that many of my friends have followed many rites and rituals with regard to weddings, the birth of a child, or funerals.

As a family begins to form, family routines usually form, such as going to church on Sunday or going overseas for holidays during June or December.

Sometimes these rituals cost an arm and a leg. But have we ever stopped to think why we spend so much money on them?

While it is important to follow them in order to establish and reaffirm our cultural roots, these rites do not guarantee that the relationships between the participants are functioning or even healthy.

A great wedding does not automatically imply or even assure a great marriage. Yet each year, more brides focus on being a great bride for that one day, instead of being a faithful wife for life.

One of my friends does not have a functional marriage with his wife anymore, yet he dutifully follows the rites and rituals for celebrating the birth of his two daughters.

In the 1940s, Abraham Maslow the psychologist postulated that the most basic of human needs are those of safety and physiological well-being. The next level is the social need. People need to form relationships, to give and receive love, to feel a link with others and to feel a sense of belonging.

If these social needs are met, people can thrive at their optimal level and live life to their full potential.

So what happens when you no longer have a functional relationship between husband and wife, parent and child, or brother and sister?

Many will choose to hide behind these rituals and rites to avoid confronting the truth that they need to work on the relationship. Observing these gives one a false sense of achievement.

It is so much easier to give hongbaos and presents to someone you do not like, than to ask for forgiveness from each other.

Similarly, it is easier to take the wedding photograph than to iron out the nascent problems with your future spouse.

Routines, rites and rituals can never replace the relationships we have with each other. It takes a lot of hard work, to work on a relationship. It requires us to listen to each other and suspend judgment and bias. It demands that we forget ourselves and focus on the other.

Instead of just wanting to have and to hold, we have to learn to give and to serve.


This article first appeared in TODAY on 24th June 2006

DON’T BUY INTO THE FAÇADE OF LOVE

My friend told me she had dropped many hints to her husband to buy flowers for her for Valentine’s Day. I suppose she believed it was the appropriate way for him to show her that he still loves her.

When I was a teenager, I used to dream about walking down Orchard Road with a big bunch of roses. But having once worked on Valentine’s Day delivering flowers to lovestruck young girls all over Singapore, I have come to the conclusion that there is more to love than roses.

There was a man who ordered two bouquets: One for his mistress, and a bigger one for his wife. I suppose he was hoping his wife would still believe that he loved her.

Then there was this girl in America who ordered a box of chocolates for her boyfriend in Singapore. My heart dropped when I delivered the chocolates to his house. The dinner table was set for two, complete with candles and flowers — but I knew that his dinner companion would not be the girl in America.

Each February, men are reminded to show how much they love their girlfriends or wives by buying flowers, chocolates, diamonds — and, of course, the mandatory candlelight dinner.
How much of this expectation is shaped by advertising firms and retail outlets?

Thirty years ago, Valentine’s Day was virtually unheard of in Singapore. Nonetheless, men and women still fell in love — and stayed in love.

Now, I sense that women in Singapore are dictating how men should love them. And more often than not, their demands for expressions of love are shaped by women’s magazines, which inundate them with suggestions on how to spend Valentine’s Day.

It has come to a point where some men expect payment in terms of sex after spending so much money on an attractive lady. Thus, it is no surprise that men often use words of love to get sex, while women use sex to get words of love.

This could be a factor that has contributed to the rise in divorce rates in Singapore. Women often define love as a feeling or as an attraction, and choose our life partners on this basis.

What happens when that feeling dies or changes, as all feelings will over time? Do we change partners the way we do in a social dance?
Do we consistently search for the elusive high that we get each time we fall in love with someone?
After being married for 18 years, I have come to the conclusion that love is not a feeling; it is a decision.

There are days when I do not feel any love towards my husband, when I want to tear his eyes out, and yes, sometimes I just want to walk out of this marriage.

A few years ago, I met someone who swept me off my feet. He was different from my husband in many ways, and I thought I had fallen in love again. I was attracted to the feeling of being wanted, of being at the centre of someone else’s life.

I felt young again and I was tempted to walk out of my marriage. A few of my friends supported my decision, as they felt that if there is no spark left in a marriage, it is all right to change one’s partner.

But on closer reflection, I realised I had only fallen in lust. I realised that the feeling I had would disappear with this new-found love over time — just as the similar feeling I experienced when I first fell in love with my husband had eventually faded.

What did I do with this emotion? I confessed to my husband. I knew that he had accepted me for better or for worse — and this was one of my worst moments.

I knew that only by coming clean would we be able to continue with this relationship. He accepted me as I am, knowing that as a woman I could feel for other men, yet he showed that he can trust me with my emotions.

Through this experience, both of us were reminded once again that love is not a feeling, but a constant decision that we make. Love demands that we choose each other constantly despite coming across alternatives.

This Valentine’s Day, I chose to buy a gift for my husband. I had not bought him a gift in a very long time as I could never find anything suitable.

I seldom feel guilty for not buying him a gift for Christmas or for Valentine’s Day; I would never buy a gift just because some article in a woman’s magazine told me to. Neither would I buy one because my girlfriends have bought one for their beloved.

I chose to do so because I knew the gift would bring a smile to his face and joy to his heart. More importantly, I do not expect a gift in return.


This article first appeared in TODAY on 16th February 2006 .

ASK NOT WHAT MEN CAN DO FOR YOU.

Today is International Women's Day and women's groups around the world usually use it to draw attention to decades of struggle by women for equality, justice, peace and development.

While acknowledging that women still have a long way to go towards achieving this goal, perhaps it is time for them to reflect on the process used to achieve this.

In ancient Greece, Lysistrata started a sex strike against men in order to end a war. In 2001, the women of the Turkish village of Sirt followed Lysistrata's example, and went on a sex strike to demand a decent water supply.

Luckily for the men, most women's groups have taken Lysistrata's idea of the "women's strike" less literally.

For example, The International Women's Day movement, does sponsor a Global Women's Strike but in a different modus operandi.

Although women are encouraged to follow the Lysistrata model to gain attention, the strike includes time off from paid or unpaid work, accompanied by different kinds of activism. The goal of the strike was to highlight women's contributions to the world.

I have never felt at ease when women use any form of blackmail, extortion, coercion or strike to get what they want.

Especially vile is a woman's use of tears. It ends all discussions for most rational gentlemen. They give in as most of them have been trained not to make a woman cry. Even if we achieve our goal, it will leave a bitter aftertaste for the men concerned.

Maybe we should approach this year's International Women's Day from another angle. We could reflect on the way we have been treating our male colleagues, husbands, brothers and sons.

Did we enrich their lives? Or did we treat them like a cash cow? Did we treat them as a partner and co-worker or did we treat them as a competitor? Did we show them respect or did we demand respect from them?

We could also reflect on their needs as they try their best to work in this new and challenging environment where women have their careers and are not afraid to articulate their needs, wants and desires clearly to men. We could give them a pat on the back when they make the effort to look after the baby or when they do the housework after a hard day's work in the office.
We could reassure them that even as we climb higher up the career ladder, we still need them, at times, to hold the ladder steady for us. We need to learn to appreciate man, for living with a woman in the 21st century is not easy. Should they open the door for women? Should they be strong yet offer a shoulder for women to cry on? Should they be a Sensitive New Age Gentlemen or a metrosexual?

In this age of in-vitro fertilisation do women need men? Are they just sperm banks or do they have rights as a biological father? Maybe as a sign of maturity, we could start an International Man's Day where we can take the initiative to create activities to improve men's health, promote fathers' active participation in the family or to prevent men abusing women.

For a start we could stop asking what we can get from men and begin to reflect on what we can give them. Only then could we finally say that we have been liberated from the shackles of inequality and injustice and truly celebrate International Women's Day as women ought and should.

This article first appeared in TODAY on 8th March 2006