Saturday, September 30, 2006

HOW TO BE YOUR KIDS BEST FRIEND

As a parent with six children, three of whom are teenagers, my heart goes out to Felix Kumar (Sept 26) when he lost the respect of his daughter.

As a school educator, I have encountered many parents with similar problems and learnt lessons that have prevented our children from being disengaged from the family.

Firstly, a rich life filled with family activity does not automatically ensure the development of respectful and obedient children. Increasingly, I have observed that children are pampered with luxury goods and expensive overseas trips. Such treats, on their own, will not earn the respect of children.

Rather, time spent communicating with them and establishing relationships is more important.

One Sunday, at the NUS Guild House, I saw a father having dinner with his wife and children. He could proudly claim to be a good father as he had provided a restaurant meal for his children. But throughout dinner, he was looking at his laptop playing blackjack and other computer games, and he did not once talk with his wife or children.

Although my husband and I have demanding jobs, we spend time listening, observing and discussing interesting topics with our children. When one of them felt too stressed by his polytechnic life, we went for a long walk after midnight to allow him to ventilate.

When another was infatuated with a friend working at a fast-food joint, we went as a family to observe his service attitude. When our youngest daughter's tooth fell out, we were there to catch it and ensure that the tooth fairy replaced it with a coin.

If we are there when they are up or down, the children will learn to trust us with their problems, joys and fears. This process doesn't happen overnight but has to be started when they are young. As long as we are their best friends, they will consider our views when we offer them.

Secondly, the Internet and the phone are tools; they are neither good nor bad in themselves. We instilled the belief that technological gadgets can be our friend or our enemy. We ensure that when the kids use the tools, they set a limit and stick to it.

Thirdly, we try not to embarrass the children. If there is a need to reprimand them, we do not do so in public as this would only alienate them. As much as we want them to respect us, we must also learn to show respect for our children.

Sometimes, they have secrets they are uncomfortable to share with us. When this happens, we wait patiently until they are ready to share their problems. We must give them space to form their own tastes and interests, within acceptable limits.

Lastly — and this is the most difficult lesson of all — as parents, we must constantly reflect and realise we can be wrong at times. Once we have made a mistake, we share it with our children and sincerely ask them to accept our apology. This way, they learn that mistakes are not the end of the world and reconciliation is a possibility.

Of course, when they make a mistake, they have to accept the consequences and be punished — but only after the punishment is explained to them.

Ultimately, parents are responsible for the way their children turn out. If we focus on establishing and developing values such as respect, honesty, diligence and self-confidence, our children will not be easily swayed by peer pressure, be it at school, the playground or workplace.

The writer, an educator, is a mother of six.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


MOS with number her sixth child, Anicius 13th months. Baby was visiting MOS at her school.

Showing our true face

NOW that the Health Sciences Authority (HSA) has declared the SK-II products sold in Singapore are safe, women can with ease of mind use these products to whiten their complexions and delay the ageing process.

When women are discontented with themselves, there is always a demand for such products and their seductive promises. As long as we refuse to accept the natural process of ageing and fight tooth-and-nail to halt or reverse it, the market will continue to be saturated with ads that promise to turn women into Cinderellas.

So it is reassuring to know that the HSA has taken the effort to test and ensure the safety of the SK-II products.

But what about other beauty products sold here? Should we wait for a cue from other countries that raise the alarm first before we take the necessary steps?

Could we instead set the standard for others to benchmark their products with proactive testing? We could work towards the goal that if it is safe in Singapore, it would be considered safe to use in other regions.

That aside, this recent incident has made me reflect on why some women feel so naked without make-up.

Why do we have to put on a mask daily to hide our true faces? Why are we so afraid to grow old or to proclaim our real age?

After fighting so hard to be emancipated from the clutches of gender stereotypes and male dominance, why are we enslaving ourselves to a particular image that is most often defined by the advertising industry, which is dominated by men?

When I got married in the 1980s, it was typical of most brides to engage professional make-up artists. Often when the latter was done with the bride, the bridegroom would have a shock as the make-up artist would have transformed her into a stranger.

My husband not only insisted that I did not engage a make-up artist but also that I did not put on make-up after we got married. He said that cosmetics would only produce a temporary illusion and, in the long run, hasten the ageing process.

Eighteen years and six children later, many people still cannot believe that I am "over the hill" at 43, with a 17-year-old son at my side. But even without make-up, my face has remained firm and smooth with hardly a visible crow's foot line.

I am neither a scientist nor a beautician and I cannot provide any definitive reason or evidence for why I have managed to keep my skin in such good condition.

And yes, when I reached the big 40, I was plagued with insecurities and doubts about whether I was still attractive as a woman — as I am constantly confronted with images of beautiful, youthful women through the mass media.

Yet, I can continue to have engaging and fun conversations with men. They still enjoy my company despite my less-than-flawless skin and far-from-ideal weight (did I mention I have six kids?).

Perhaps it is time we give men more credit. There are those who enjoy being in the company of authentic, confident women, rather than pandering to the whims and fancies of women whose beauty is adulterated with layers of cream and face paint.

This article first appeared in TODAY on 27th September 2006

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

DRAWING THE LINES WITH RULES

RECENTLY, one of my students attended the birthday party of his friend who turned 17.

At the party, there were alcoholic drinks ranging from champagne to beer. The teenagers were allowed to drink freely with the blessing of the birthday boy's parents. A few got drunk and some had to be sent home in a taxi. And a neighbour had to call the police around midnight to control the noise level.

A few questions arose in my mind. How did the birthday boy manage to stock up on such a large assortment of alcoholic drinks? Why did the parents condone such behaviour? What would I do if my son attended such a party and got home drunk?

While contemplating the issue, my acquaintance said I should not control my children too much, or they might rebel against me. For example, she prefers her teenager to tell her what he is doing, to minimise the risk of him doing something without her knowledge. In this case, she would rather her son get drunk at home than at a pub. She argues that being an accommodating parent in this manner is preferable to being autocratic.

But is this the beginning of a slippery slope? Should we, as parents, accept any behaviour that a child does without establishing any concept of right or wrong behaviour?

For example, what should we do if our teenage children decided to smoke? Or drink excessively? Should we accept them as they are in the name of honesty, or would we feel better if they smoked and drank in secret?

To take it to the extreme: If our child killed someone in front of us, would it make the act any less wrong?

As a parent, where do we draw a line when it comes to disciplining our children? Excessive discipline often leads to children who conform to expected behaviour in front of the parents, but it does not necessarily lead to permanent changes in behaviour. If a parent is too lax, a child is free to do whatever he or she wants and there is no guarantee he or she will grow up to be a functioning member of society.

While there are many ways to discipline children, some general strategies are worth considering.

Firstly, the rules must be clear. As a general guideline, my children know they must not be rude to their grandmother, mother or the maid, or they will be reprimanded. They are not allowed to ask us to buy anything for them when they are at a shopping centre. They have to seek permission when they want to eat sweets.

Our teenagers have a 10pm curfew but my husband and I are open to allowing them to come home later if they ask us first. These rules are reviewed and changed to accommodate our growing children's needs.

Secondly, rules must be consistently enforced. Often, children approach the other parent when the first has already said no to a request. If my children ask my husband and I permission for anything, we ask for the other parent's response. In this respect, both parents must speak with one voice or the child will learn to be manipulative.

Thirdly, parents should focus on the behaviour, not the child. We avoid calling our children "stupid" or "idiots" — rather, we say their behaviour is unacceptable and that there is a consequence to their actions. Telling lies is unacceptable and when they are caught with their hand in the pie, privileges are withdrawn.

Each family has different set of rules for their children and what applies for one family may not be acceptable to another. What is important is to remember that children need boundaries defined for them, so that they may learn to handle their freedom correctly.

When they grow up and leave the nest, we as parents can be at peace knowing their life will be guided by a set of values that will see them through many storms. However, if we fail in this aspect and give them unlimited freedom to do as they like, when they like, the result could be a selfish, self-seeking adult.

The choice is ours to make.

This article first appeared in TODAY on 12th September.

Saturday, September 2, 2006





Atticus 7 yeas old with his younger brother Anicius 1 year old.