Sunday, June 25, 2006
WHEN SHOULD A MOTHER LET GO?
IDA and David wanted their son, Dwight, to graduate from college. Dwight, however, wanted to go to West Point. Both Ida and David were flabbergasted by their son ’s decision. Yet, all she ever said to him was: “It is your choice, son.”
Both parents wisely held their tongues— but they were so proud of their son on the day he, General Dwight Eisenhower, became President of the United States.
Now that Mother ’s Day is round the corner, it is a good time for us mothers to reflect on this question: What age should our children be, when we can stop being their mother?
I ask this because I have a grown-up friend who is very afraid of his mother. He would never smoke in front of her and if he has a couple of drinks, he would ensure that he is sober before he heads on home. His mother controls the type of friends he has and would express her opinion strongly if he does not tow the line.
Of course, in Singapore — where respect for the elder is paramount — we could argue that her son was only showing filial piety. Yet, I sense that he is not, as he is constantly complaining about his mother behind her back. He wishes that his mother would respect him as an adult as, after all, he is now in his mid-50s!
But he does not have the courage to tell her his feelings, for fear that she will use more emotional blackmail on him.
Yes, during this commercial season of Mother ’s Day where we are goaded by guilt into buying unusable presents for our mothers, we should explore this issue seriously.
How often do we mothers use this argument – that we carried our child for nine months and suffered stretch marks and the pains of childbirth, and so on, and thus our children are obliged to obey our whims fancies? When was the last time we used our tears to get our children to do as
we wished, and, in the process, suppressed their desires?
As I have six children whose ages range from 9 months to 17 years, I have learnt that my style of mothering has to change according to the child, too.
With the baby, I have to be firm as he needs to know the boundaries he can operate within. The first word he learnt was “No” rather than “Yes ”, as I do not intend to spoil him. With my two pre-schoolers, the priority would be to establish routine, rules and regulation. This is the best time to do.
For example, now is the time to teach them the concept of needs and wants. We would buy any item that they need right away. But for items that they want — such as a tape of Harry Potter — they would have to learn to save for it. As for my three teenagers, we have begun to respect them as young, thinking adults. Yes, there were many times when my husband and I wanted to step in and make the decisions for them in the name of doing it for their own good. We have had to resist this temptation and, instead, guide them gently along the way.
I have discovered that my parenting style has evolved from being autocratic to authoritative, and finally, accommodating. Now, as my oldest is reaching adulthood, I am looking forward to spending time with him as two friends would.
I believe that we should stop mothering our children when they reach the age of 21.We should only offer our opinions when asked for them and let our progeny have the freedom to make mistakes as we did when we were their age.
Yes ,like most mothers, I know it would be hard to let go especially since I have seen to their needs for so long, and I feel wonderful and powerful when my children obey me.
Who would not like to be the matriarch, lording over her brood of children and grandchildren?
Yet, I am consciously taking steps to cut the apron strings, as I want all my children to develop into mature adults.
To all mothers who are reading this article: This Mother ’s Day, instead of wondering what kind of surprise gift our children will spring on us or where they will take us for lunch, let us give our children their independence, their wings, so that they can soar like the eagles that they are.
I would rather do that then have them bitch behind my back about how draconian a mother I am becoming as I grow older.
Mothers, the choice is yours. Happy Mother ’s Day.
This article first appeared in Today on 11th May 2006.
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2 comments:
Let out the leash slowly
Letter from RIA REDOBLE
I REFER to Frances Ong’s commentary,
“When should a mother let go?” (May 11).
I am the ninth child in a family of 10 kids.I saw how my parents brought us up and I saw how my brothers brought their kids up.
As a very independent child, I didn’t necessarily agree with their methods.
As a single mother, I brought up my
15-year-old daughter differently. I wasn’t popular with my family for they think I spoiled my daughter. If giving your child freedom is spoiling her, then I probably have.
My daughter is a very smart child. I did not force her to study to become an honours student. I knew she would be one, but I wanted her to discover that herself.
When she was about five, my ex-husband trained her to sing. At one point, this became an obsession to him and I saw the
pain in my daughter’s eyes every time she had to go to his place for training. I stepped in and stopped the lessons. She stopped singing for about two years
and did not sing even when we were having fun with karaoke at home. But I knew she was good at it and, given the freedom to do so,
would come back to it in her own time.
Now at 15, she is responsible, mature and gifted (she plays the guitar and drums). She is more grounded than I was at her age.
Most mothers probably start having problems when their kids reach 13. I am lucky as I don’t have such problems.
There is no rule stating at what age mothers should let go, since every child is different. I let go of mine when she was very little. As mothers, what we can do is give
our kids freedom, within limits, such that they do not feel boxed in. They will constantly test those limits.
We should give them the freedom slowly. Make that leash a little longer from time to
time and pull it back in when they falter. The day will come when you will know it is time to really let go.
Let go of married children
Letter from NELSON QUAH
MS ONG’s interesting article was an eyeopener. Some possessive mothers cannot let go of their children even after they are
married. They interfere with their children’s married life, often messing up their relationship
with their spouses. They may remind
their children they have only one
mother who should be cherished at all costs, believing — rightly or wrongly — that their spouses are replaceable.
A mother’s demands may upset the
plans of the young couple, especially the young wife, who may resent the husband being tied to his mother’s apron strings.
Mothers should let go and allow their adult children to be independent.
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