MAKING THE LAST LEG OF LIFE GOLDEN

RECENTLY, I met an octogenarian who was placed in a home by his children. He has lived a rich, varied life. He has an independent spirit and up until now, has managed to live alone and look after himself.

It must have been a painful decision for his children to place him in a home. It could be that none of them are free to care for him all the time as they have demanding careers. They could have judged that employing a maid was not an option as she would not be able to give the constant, professional medical care a nursing home provides.

I believed this must have been explained to him — but he still feels hurt and abandoned, especially when he feels his freedom has been taken from him. He shared with me that all his basic needs — food, laundry and lodging — are fulfilled. Yet, there was a tear in his eye when he told me how he could not go where he wants.

He shed another tear when he said he wished he were not a burden to his children and that he could die soon.

As Singapore’s population continues to age, we have to seek new ways to make senior citizens in our midst feel wanted, useful and functional.

I am not referring to the youthful grandmother of 65 who can do the cha-cha and line dancing seven days a week. Nor the grandfather who has travelled around the world for the fifth time in his 70s.

I am specifically referring to those who are unwell and need constant care. There are those who are bedridden and cannot perform basic daily activities such as eating, bathing, going to the bathroom and walking.

On the other hand, there are those who are in relatively good health and have a sound state of mind, but nonetheless need constant care.

In our society, we do not openly speak nor examine the issue of death. Many see it as a taboo or bad luck to even talk about it. Only when our parents or loved ones are stricken with a fatal disease is the issue thrust upon us.

There are those of us who fear death and would not face it squarely, even on our deathbed. We struggle against the inevitable and die an agonising death.

And then there are those who welcome death with open arms and are prepared for all eventualities. They usually encounter a peaceful death and it can be an inspiring and uplifting experience for the family members.

My friend shared with me this story that could shed some light on how we should handle life towards its end.

She has a friend who was stricken with cancer and was given six months to live. Her pastor encouraged her to recall all the people from her past whom she could not forgive, and he drove her around to make peace with them.

Towards the end of her journey, she experienced a serenity that only such a decision could bring about.

Perhaps, society as a whole should approach death in a more proactive way. Different religions have different ways of explaining what happens to us when we die. Some of us try to reassure ourselves with the belief that the afterlife is very similar to the present life.

Others focus on accountability in the afterlife, in order to maintain discipline and morality in this life. Yet, others see death as a journey returning to our eternal home.

Whichever approach we take, we must find the courage to bring up this subject in a gentle yet reassuring way with those on the last leg of their journey.
Instead of clinging to past glory and memory, they could be redirected to look forward to the afterlife. In this way, they would not be made to feel useless and a burden to a loved one.

I know this is easier said than done. I am encountering this quandary as my parents
are in their 70s. While in my eyes, they are forever my parents who are strong, healthy and
energetic, I have to face the difficult fact that they are now dependent on us, their children, to look after them. I will have to continue struggling to find ways to make this last leg of their life a meaningful one.

This article firwst appeared in TODAY on 18th May 2006.