As a parent with six children, three of whom are teenagers, my heart goes out to Felix Kumar (Sept 26) when he lost the respect of his daughter.
As a school educator, I have encountered many parents with similar problems and learnt lessons that have prevented our children from being disengaged from the family.
Firstly, a rich life filled with family activity does not automatically ensure the development of respectful and obedient children. Increasingly, I have observed that children are pampered with luxury goods and expensive overseas trips. Such treats, on their own, will not earn the respect of children.
Rather, time spent communicating with them and establishing relationships is more important.
One Sunday, at the NUS Guild House, I saw a father having dinner with his wife and children. He could proudly claim to be a good father as he had provided a restaurant meal for his children. But throughout dinner, he was looking at his laptop playing blackjack and other computer games, and he did not once talk with his wife or children.
Although my husband and I have demanding jobs, we spend time listening, observing and discussing interesting topics with our children. When one of them felt too stressed by his polytechnic life, we went for a long walk after midnight to allow him to ventilate.
When another was infatuated with a friend working at a fast-food joint, we went as a family to observe his service attitude. When our youngest daughter's tooth fell out, we were there to catch it and ensure that the tooth fairy replaced it with a coin.
If we are there when they are up or down, the children will learn to trust us with their problems, joys and fears. This process doesn't happen overnight but has to be started when they are young. As long as we are their best friends, they will consider our views when we offer them.
Secondly, the Internet and the phone are tools; they are neither good nor bad in themselves. We instilled the belief that technological gadgets can be our friend or our enemy. We ensure that when the kids use the tools, they set a limit and stick to it.
Thirdly, we try not to embarrass the children. If there is a need to reprimand them, we do not do so in public as this would only alienate them. As much as we want them to respect us, we must also learn to show respect for our children.
Sometimes, they have secrets they are uncomfortable to share with us. When this happens, we wait patiently until they are ready to share their problems. We must give them space to form their own tastes and interests, within acceptable limits.
Lastly — and this is the most difficult lesson of all — as parents, we must constantly reflect and realise we can be wrong at times. Once we have made a mistake, we share it with our children and sincerely ask them to accept our apology. This way, they learn that mistakes are not the end of the world and reconciliation is a possibility.
Of course, when they make a mistake, they have to accept the consequences and be punished — but only after the punishment is explained to them.
Ultimately, parents are responsible for the way their children turn out. If we focus on establishing and developing values such as respect, honesty, diligence and self-confidence, our children will not be easily swayed by peer pressure, be it at school, the playground or workplace.
The writer, an educator, is a mother of six.
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Hi,
I am in agreement with Frances and would like to share the following observations.
I believe that parents must communicate to bond and discipline the kids during the first ten years. If we only start to do so when they enter puberty, it will be a bigger hurdle. If they have not been listening to you all these years, why should they now start to listen to you especially when they think that they are grown up and need more freedom to do what they want?
When the kids are young, we may pamper them with toys and items that they desired but we must set boundaries and they must be taught what is right or wrong, as this will set the foundation for later years. ( Have you seen the show, Supernanny? ) What do I mean by this? If we buy them PS2, they must be told that they can only play 1/2 hour a day or after they have completed their homework. They must greet visitors and show respect to elders. Be generous and charitable by giving donations during the weekend flag days. Parents must not assume that the kids are too young to learn so let them be and not discipline or teach them proper values. We must be their role models even when they are young and not when we think they older and ready to listen to reasoning, at their puberty or teenage years.
While it it typical to have both parents working, we must still find time to be with and for them. Again, this is true when they are below 10 years of age as I really believe that how well they listen to you or share with you their problems, concerns and even joy depends on how well you have established your relationship with them when they are young as they need to feel comfortable to communicate with you on all these matters as they grow up.
I believe that there is no such thing as quality time as all the time you spend with your kids should be , if not, always of quality. So we need to strive for more quantity time with them else you will not have much time with them when they enter teenage years. A friend used to tell me that I will only have tens years of my son's time as they will prefer not to be seen with you or go out with you once they enter puberty. There is really some truth in it.
I have heard of parents blaming their hectic work for not having sufficient time with the kids. I have also heard of parents pushing the responsibility of raising their kids to the teachers. At the end of the day, parents are still responsible for their kids until they reached 21 years old.
In short, I am concerned that parents are not spending sufficient time building relationships and guiding their kids when they young ( especially in their primary school years ), When they start to do so during their puberty or when they realised that they could not communicate with them in their secondary school years, the parents regret it but too late to turn back the clock and they face an uphill task.
So for those parents whose children are still young, please start early with your kids. And those who are now facing problems with your kids, please do not give up but try to see things from their perpective and seek help from family councellors, if necessary.
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