DRAWING THE LINES WITH RULES

RECENTLY, one of my students attended the birthday party of his friend who turned 17.

At the party, there were alcoholic drinks ranging from champagne to beer. The teenagers were allowed to drink freely with the blessing of the birthday boy's parents. A few got drunk and some had to be sent home in a taxi. And a neighbour had to call the police around midnight to control the noise level.

A few questions arose in my mind. How did the birthday boy manage to stock up on such a large assortment of alcoholic drinks? Why did the parents condone such behaviour? What would I do if my son attended such a party and got home drunk?

While contemplating the issue, my acquaintance said I should not control my children too much, or they might rebel against me. For example, she prefers her teenager to tell her what he is doing, to minimise the risk of him doing something without her knowledge. In this case, she would rather her son get drunk at home than at a pub. She argues that being an accommodating parent in this manner is preferable to being autocratic.

But is this the beginning of a slippery slope? Should we, as parents, accept any behaviour that a child does without establishing any concept of right or wrong behaviour?

For example, what should we do if our teenage children decided to smoke? Or drink excessively? Should we accept them as they are in the name of honesty, or would we feel better if they smoked and drank in secret?

To take it to the extreme: If our child killed someone in front of us, would it make the act any less wrong?

As a parent, where do we draw a line when it comes to disciplining our children? Excessive discipline often leads to children who conform to expected behaviour in front of the parents, but it does not necessarily lead to permanent changes in behaviour. If a parent is too lax, a child is free to do whatever he or she wants and there is no guarantee he or she will grow up to be a functioning member of society.

While there are many ways to discipline children, some general strategies are worth considering.

Firstly, the rules must be clear. As a general guideline, my children know they must not be rude to their grandmother, mother or the maid, or they will be reprimanded. They are not allowed to ask us to buy anything for them when they are at a shopping centre. They have to seek permission when they want to eat sweets.

Our teenagers have a 10pm curfew but my husband and I are open to allowing them to come home later if they ask us first. These rules are reviewed and changed to accommodate our growing children's needs.

Secondly, rules must be consistently enforced. Often, children approach the other parent when the first has already said no to a request. If my children ask my husband and I permission for anything, we ask for the other parent's response. In this respect, both parents must speak with one voice or the child will learn to be manipulative.

Thirdly, parents should focus on the behaviour, not the child. We avoid calling our children "stupid" or "idiots" — rather, we say their behaviour is unacceptable and that there is a consequence to their actions. Telling lies is unacceptable and when they are caught with their hand in the pie, privileges are withdrawn.

Each family has different set of rules for their children and what applies for one family may not be acceptable to another. What is important is to remember that children need boundaries defined for them, so that they may learn to handle their freedom correctly.

When they grow up and leave the nest, we as parents can be at peace knowing their life will be guided by a set of values that will see them through many storms. However, if we fail in this aspect and give them unlimited freedom to do as they like, when they like, the result could be a selfish, self-seeking adult.

The choice is ours to make.

This article first appeared in TODAY on 12th September.