TALKING SEX , WITH MUM AND DAD

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

RICHER BY THE HALF DOZEN

WHEN my mother discovered that I was going to give birth to my sixth child, she started a campaign of convincing me to give up my child for adoption as she judged that our financial resources would not be able to handle another child.

Immediately after I woke up from my Caesarean operation, my mother and two relatives spoke to me in jest about giving my baby to one of the relatives, as the baby would retain the same surname.

It was with utmost difficulty that I maintained my sense of humour.

The other day, as I was out having supper with my husband, I witnessed a pregnant woman feel her baby kicking in her womb. I must be crazy to desire another child, but I miss having an unborn child growing inside me.

In my third trimester, the baby would begin to communicate his needs to me. For example, if I sat in a particular way that made him uncomfortable, he would kick and move until I was in a better position.

Yes, many of my friends are taking bets on when our No 7 will be conceived — or when we will be able to transform our basketball team into a seven-a-side soccer team.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said that "it is poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish".

Yes, once a child is born, it is difficult to live as I wish. I have always enjoyed travelling and, before I got married, would visit a different country each year. Now, with so many children, I cannot remember the last time I took a holiday.

I had planned to do my Masters 15 years ago when I had just two children. Four more kids later, that hankering after my intellectual dream is still strong.

One day, my eldest child commented that his parents would be very rich if we had just had him as an only child.

Yet, deep down, I know that I would be that much poorer if I were forced to give up any one of my children.

From my teenagers, I learn that there is nothing more important in life than to establish a relationship with another person.

From the baby, I learn that to do something well, I need to focus on a single aim. Watching my baby practise everyday at taking that first step fills me with energy anew to focus on a project at work.

By the baby too, I am reminded that there are still a lot more things in life that I have to discover, and that the joy of discovery is irreplaceable.

From my children, I learn that it is best to teach them only when they are ready to learn. Many parents have robbed their children the joy of learning because they force-feed their kids with all the enrichment courses they themselves wanted when they were young.

At the end of a hard day's work, nothing can replace the sound of small feet crawling with single-mindedness towards you. Except, of course, for the yelp of joy when your own baby recognises you in a sea of strangers.

Will we go for No 7? Yes and No. Yes, because we feel that the age gap between our sixth child and the rest is very wide and a seventh child would be a good playmate and soulmate for him.

No, because I am feeling my age and at this point in time, we feel that another child would stretch our financial resources even further.

Yet we do not use any form of artificial contraceptives like the pill, for health reasons. Neither have we taken up my mum's advice to sterilise ourselves, as we are still open to the gift of another child.

Irresponsible? Irrational? Or just fulfilling a human's highest calling to bring life to the world?

REAL GIFTS OF A ROAD WARRIOR PARENTS

This year's theme for the National Day Parade, "Our Global City, Our Home," forces me to reflect on one aspect of globalisation that often has a silent but salient impact on our future: Our children.

As a result of our effort to embrace globalisation, many of us have to travel overseas often as road warriors. When I travel, I often feel guilty leaving my children behind. I am frequently tempted to buy their permission to go overseas with promises of bringing exotic gifts back.

I know of one road warrior who habitually returns with expensive gifts for his son to make up for his absence from home.

Bringing back gifts per se isn't the problem — it is when we replace or substitute ourselves with gifts that will have an impact on our children. They will end up looking at us as nothing more than a perpetual Santa Claus, and soon they will look forward to our gifts instead of us coming back.

Encouraged to be materialists, they will end up demanding more expensive presents each time we leave. And some of us will find it a convenient and small price to pay to occupy our children's time leaving us — when we get home — alone to rest and recuperate.

How do we get back to focusing on developing our relationships with our children and our spouse, instead of treating them as an optional extra in our life?

I remember once, my husband left 40 handwritten post-it notes with the words "I love you" all over the house for me to discover. Why 40? That was the number of days he was away from home.

When he goes to places where the postal service is not that regular, he would leave letters pre-written before his trip for me to read to the children before they go to sleep.

My husband and I try to take turns to go overseas so that at least one parent is at home with the children. The one who stays at home will have the fun of keeping the memory of the travelling parent alive for them. We'd write letters, make postcards, draw pictures or create gifts for the returning parent.

With Internet messenger, SMS and email, we find it easier to maintain an open channel of communication with our children. Only recently did I learn to use Internet messaging with some difficulty and I discovered a different but instantaneous way of keeping in touch with my children.

Establishing family culture helps our children to stay rooted to the family. Like many in Singapore, my husband and I are working and thus, find it difficult to be with them regularly.

We have often heard that it is not the quantity of time that we spend that is important, but the quality time that we have with them.

But what is quality time?

Spending time at the shopping centre buying more presents, or eating at fancy and expensive restaurants? Yes, these can be instances of quality time as long as our children have our undivided attention.

For us, we prefer alternative rituals like ice cream parties at home, midnight supper walks, or a regular visit to Chinatown where we eat the famous fish porridge.

Whether we are stay-at-home or auto-roaming parents, we have to remember that if we do not act as our children's confidantes, companions and confessors, they will find others to take our place — and we will lose any influence over their behaviour.

But being there for them, in the real sense of the term, is not something one can just suddenly do overnight. It is the little actions we do over a long period of time that add up.

In my course of work as a teacher, I often meet lonely students who long and pine for their parents who are often too busy to spend time with them. Some students end up being withdrawn, some end up finding support and companionship with gangs, while others end up using gifts and money to buy friendship.

As road warrior parents, perhaps it is time to reflect on the type of relationship that we have with our children.

Are we just satisfied with being their ATM? The choice is ours.

The writer has recently taken a tentative step to blog (fohl.blogspot.com) in the hope that it will make her look hip with her teenager children.