Free Choice

We have been the laughing stock of many people when they discover that we have six children as it is very unusual for a family with professional working couple to have so many children.

Some who know a bit about natural planning would snigger and laugh at the failure of this method. Others mistake this method as the unreliable rhythm method.

When we were planning to get married, we decided to examine all possible option of family planning. Of course being in the Catholic Church, we were encouraged to consider the option of natural family planning (NFP).

After reading up on the various methods of family planning, we discovered that artificial birth control(ABC) like the pills, IUD and abortion have several side effects that are not usually presented to women and so many were not given an informed choices.

For example, if you accept the premises that life is conceived when fertilization takes place or at the moment of conception, then you will not consider the use of IUD. An IUD or Intrauterine Device is a small piece of plastic which contains either copper or the hormone progesterone. The IUD prevents pregnancy by many mechanisms including preventing fertilization of an egg by sperm or preventing implantation. This means that if conception does take place, the foetus is not given a chance to survive.

We also decided not to use the pill or condom because of the side effects associated with these form of contraception.

We finally decided on the natural family planning method not because the Catholic Church said so but because it does not have any side effect. It does not harm the man nor the woman’s body and best of all this form of family planning ensure that we have a healthy sex life.

After practicing NFP for the past twenty years, I can safely says that this method has contributed to ensure that we are constantly and consistently attracted to each other sexually.

You see, sex is like eating durian. Many of us love the taste of durian and the first bite is the most exquisite. Yet after eating five or six durians, the law of diminishing returns set in and you begin to get tired of the durian. However, if you pace yourself and do not stuff durian down your throat then your desire for durian will last a long time.

It is the same with sex. If you can have sex anytime, anywhere and any how, the sense of excitement will diminish over the years. Often a woman using ABC would feel that she is nothing more then a sex object existing just to satisfy the man.

With NFP, we are trained to identify the period when a woman is fertile and so we can exercises the option not to have sex during this period so that we do not conceive. During this period of waiting, our sexual passion is simmering like a good pot of stew slowly stewing over a fire. When the fertile period is over, it is fun time. We can enjoy sex freely without the worry of any health concern or side effects that ABC brings.


With NFP, I am assured that my husband do not use me as a sexual object to satisfy his animal instinct as he is called to scarify during the period when I am fertile. By this action, he also assure me that the chance of his having affair is not high as he is given the opportunity to discipline his sexual appetites. Because we have to wait for the infertile periods to have sex, our sexual desire increases for each other.

Far from restraining our sex life, NFP if practiced with the appropriate attitude, free us from behaving like animal. Instead NFP has helped to keep the passion of fire burning for the past twenty years.

If you do not believe me, just ask anyone who is using ABC if they and see if their sex life is still so exciting after twenty years with the same person.

What’s wrong with the Golden Compass?

During this school holidays, my daughter and some of her friends from Church decided to check out the movie The Golden Compass. They have received an email explaining why Catholic should not view this movie.

When she came back from the movie, we asked her how the movie was and she said that it was just a fantasy movie and did not see why some Catholic has called for the boycott.

Being a teenager, we know that our daughter would not accept our explanation if we put our foot down against her reading the book which would be a natural follow-up to watching the movie.

So we decided to watch the movie ourselves and we were troubled by some of the ideas that were seeping through the mask of entertainment.

According to the Catholic League of America

"It is [Mr. Pullman's] objective to bash Christianity and promote atheism to kids.

"The Golden Compass" is a film version of the book by that name, and it is being toned down so that Catholics, as well as Protestants, are not enraged.
The second book of the trilogy, The Subtle Knife, is more overt in its hatred of Christianity than the first book, and the third entry, The Amber Spyglass, is even more blatant.


Because "The Golden Compass" is based on the least offensive of the three books, and because it is being further watered down for the big screen, some might wonder why parents should be wary of the film.

The Catholic League wants Christians to stay away from this movie precisely because it knows that the film is bait for the books: unsuspecting parents who take their children to see the movie may be impelled to buy the three books as a Christmas present. And no parent who wants to bring their children up in the faith will want any part of these books."


I am glad that we did not forbid her to watch the film based on what we have read from the Catholic League. If we had done that she would have judged us to be no better then the Magisterium.

But what is the Magisterium? To answer that question we have to examine the book in which this movie was based.

The book, published in 1995, is an allegory that assault the concept of organized religion -- more specifically, any religion that rules by fiat and claims an exclusive pipeline to the truth. The book describes a world ruled by a pious, punitive outfit called the Magisterium where its leaders try to repress knowledge in the name of protecting humanity. It main aim is to crush curiosity and freethinking and tighten the Magisterium's grip on power.

The Catholic League had issued a press release warning that the "watered down" theology of the film will lead unsuspecting parents to take their kids to "The Golden Compass," which will lead the kids to ask for the books for Christmas. "And no parent who wants to bring their children up in the faith will want any part of these books," the statement read.

After watching the movie we could explain to our daughter the concerns that we had with this movie.

We felt that the Magisterium is a thinly disguised reference to the authority of the Catholic Church. The movie encouraged the heroine to exercises free will without considering the consequence of her choices.

Yes at times the Catholic Church may seem autocratic especially when it speaks out against abortion, non-material sex and contraceptives. We explained that we choice to follow the Catholic Church teaching because it has never stop us from exercising our free will but it has always reminded us that the use of our free willing will always has it consequences. For example, the use of birth control has series and sometime harmful side effect for the woman but it has never been actively considered by those who want to have sex anywhere, anytime and any how.

We felt that the movie encourages the value of exercising free will for the sake of being free to do what one wishes without the consideration of the consequences that it will bring.

In the movie, the heroin Lyra asked what Dust was. This is answered in book three entitled The Amber Spyglass, Chapter 2 and I quote:

"The Authority, God, the Creator, the Lord, Yahweh, El, Adonai, the King, the Father, the Almighty - those were all names he gave himself.

He was an angel like ourselves - the first angel, true, the most powerful, but he was formed of Dust as we are and Dust is only a name for what happens when matter begins to understand itself.

Matter loves matter. It seeks to know more about itself, and Dust is formed. The first angels condensed out of Dust, and the Authority was the first of all. He told those who came after him that he had created them, but it was a lie."

In Book 2 entitled The Subtle Knife, it was explained how God can be killed

"'The knife,' he went on after a minute, 'they never knew what they were making, those old philosophers. They invented a device that could split open the very smallest particles of matter, and they used it to steal candy. They had no idea that they'd made the one weapon in all the universes that could defeat the tyrant. The Authority. 'God.”

I am glad that my husband and I embarked on this journey with our daughter together. We deiced to let her watched the movie when she asked our permission and did not talk down to her with our concern about the movie. Instead we watched it too and so could explained with conviction and confident why this movie is a concern for us with respect to the nurturing of her Catholic faith.

We believe our daughter should be given the freedom to question, to examine and to challenge those of us who are in authority. This does not mean that we are encouraging her to be disrespectful but through this process of inquiry she will be able to discover the truth instead of having the truth ramp down her throat.

As parents, one of our most important roles is to listen to our children first when they have doubts, concerns and questions. We should not be too eager to expound, explain or elucidate to them before they complete their inquiry as this will only serve to widen the generation gap. Only by offering a listening ear, we will be able to close this gap.

Man's best friend?

Recently five Rottweilers pounced on a Jack Russell Terrier, picking the small dog up in its jaws which resulted in the latter suffering eight puncture wounds on its head, neck, chest and sides.

A neighbour of the dog’s owner, Mr. Foo had first raised his concerns in August about the five Rottweilers, which he said were a 'threat to the people in the neighbourhood'.

The Agri-Food and Veterinary Authority (AVA) replied then that since there had been no previous reported incidents involving the dogs, Madam Satpal Kaur, 51, the owner , was given permission to keep the five dogs, a number above the AVA's limit of three.

Commenting on the incident, Mdm Kaur justified the Rottweilers’ action by claiming that it was the natural instinct of a larger dog, Rottweiler or not, to attack a smaller dog.


As a mother of six with the youngest only two years old, this incident has raised several questions in my mind.

A Jack Russell is about 28-38 cm high and weights between 4-8 kg while a Rottweiler is about 53-68 cm weighting between 40 to 50 kg. My 2 year old son, Anicius weighs is about 80 cm weighing about 6 kg.

Would a Rottweiler be able to distinguish between a Jack Russell and a young child? Does a child need to be seriously attacked with eight puncture wounds on his head, neck, chest and sides before any action is taken? Can a young child survive such injuries?

I live in a private housing estate and often when I go for my evening walks, dogs on leashed have tried to lung towards my young child. When we asked the dog’s owners to control their dogs, they would claim and insist, like Mdm Kuar, that their dogs, had never bitten anyone. Once, a large dog chased my 5 year old son for about five hundred meters before the dog gave up his chase

As a mother, I was not about to let any of my child to be given the first bite.

It is understandable that in this stressed society where it is difficult to form and maintain relationships, many have turn to owning a pet to have companionship. Some DINK (double income no kids) couples even prefer to have dogs to children as these pets can be easily gotten rid off when they become an inconvenient. Dogs have become our surrogate babies, spouse or parents. So the lost of a pet through natural death or otherwise can be a very traumatic experiences, akin to the lost of a loved one.

When I was a teenager, I had two black mongrels that my family and I loved very much. They brought us much joy and contentment. They were always on a leash but one day, one of them bit a neighbour even though it was tied up. We realized that we could not control him anymore and with a sad and heavy heart put them to sleep. It was the first time that I saw my father cried but we made that rational decision as there was no assurance that it would not bite anyone else again.

I am a dog lover but if I have to choose between an animal or human being well being, the choice is clear.

Some accident like the death of the five dragon boats rowers cannot be prevented. Others accident can if enough precautions are put in place. Limiting the number of dogs that a household can have, enforcing the rules that all dogs must be put on leash when walking or fining dog owner when the dogs misbehaved do not seem to be enough.

Perhaps all dogs should be sent to obedient school so that they will learn to listen to command from human, will only walk when given permission or learn to control their animal instinct.

Otherwise, another freak accident might just happen and this time round the one bitten might not be a dog.

Both man and dog should be able to co-exist peacefully but when an animal begin to demonstrate behaviour that will harm other people we have to take action. Just as people who commit serious crime like murder and drug trafficking are hung, dogs should also be put to sleep when they become a danger to society.

A gentle reminder

I came across an interesting quote while reading a memoir “Father of Charity and My Father Ee Peng Liang” written by his daughter Theresa Ee-Chooi. Dr. Ee died on 24 August 1994.

Devoting most of his adult life to championing people in need and harnessing public support for voluntarism and the social welfare services, he held over fifty-four appointments in charities, covering every aspect of social welfare services in Singapore.

He was given the nick name of a professional beggar because he would work tirelessly to help anyone who asked him for assistant.

Yet what struck me was not the number of committees he was in, nor the amount of money he had raised for the numerous charities, schools and welfare homes.

On the occasion of the Tribute to Volunteers dinner in July 1990, Dr. Ee Peng Liang shared a modern paraphrase of a time-honored teaching on love:

“If I am on many committees but do not love others, I am simply making a useless noise. If I have enthusiasm for useful projects but forget to love those for whom they are intended, what good will they do? If I do many good works to glorify myself, but do not love others, I am worth nothing. If I am altogether too busy organizing love that I forget what love is like, it will be of no value at all. Committees will come to an end, useful projects will become unnecessary. Good works done from wrong motives will pass away, but love is the one thing that will last forever.”

Ever since the NKF saga exploded onto our social consciousness, many of us have been more careful of contribute our time, energy and money to charity. In addition with the recent Ran Chi Hospital saga still unfolding, Dr Ee’s quotation served as a gentle reminder for all on the spirit of volunteerism

Have we been making useless noise? Do we only do good works to glorify ourselves? Have we forgotten what love is like?

Sometime we are so focus with the fund raising activities that we forget the reason for raising the funds in the first place.

It is much easier interacting with public and soliciting of money then to spend an afternoon listening to an old lady reminiscing about the good old day in an old age home. Selling flag or ringing a bell repeatedly along a shopping mall place less demand on us then to visit a leper or an Aid patient regularly.

Granted that charity and welfare services can not functionally effectively without the generous donation of donors. Yet I have observed the rise recently of professional fund raising companies who uses students and teenagers to solicit funds from hawkers canters and food canters. Usually the students do not nor the donors realize that a percentage of the money collect will go to the fund raising company.

Perhaps it is timely once again to ask how much of your donations will be given directly to the charity? How much will go toward administrative costs, other programmes and fund-raising costs?

Consider the Community Chest which raises funds on an annual basis to meet the needs of the social services programmes that it support. Fund raising costs are kept to a minimum as these costs have been sponsored by Singapore Totalisator Board and the Singapore Pools(Private) Limited. Thus every dollar raised will be made available to social services programmes under it cares and not offer it as interest free loans or use it to open up shops.

If Dr. Ee is alive today would his heart be broken? Would he moan the state of volunteerism in Singapore now? Or would he in his own gentle way lead us back to the true spirit of volunteerism?

Ties that Bind and Blinds

My father, a Chinese, grew up in Kampong Glam and Malay was his main language of communication. Every Hari Raya, he would make a special effort to send cakes and other tit bits to his Malay neighbours. He even made a special effort to deliver these gifts to those who have moved out to Telok Kurau and Bedok.

In my eyes, I have never considered him a raciest yet when I brought my Eurasian husband home he was upset. My grandfather and father were unhappy that I was going out with someone of a different race and threaten to disown me if I continue with this relationship. My maternal grandmother and mother were concern that they will have grandchildren that are of a different colour and so will be a laugh stock of the Chinese community.

Needless to say we faced many obstacles. My mother tried ways and means to introduce me to different Chinese boyfriends from a marine engineer to someone who owed a jewels shop. After seven years, when my parents saw that we were committed to each other, they agreed to our marriage. We tried our best to accommodate to the Chinese customs that they treasured from buying live chicken as part of the dowry to serving roast pork at the Chinese dinner to signify that I was a virgin.

However, once we were married, my parents welcome my husband with open arms. Their initial fear of having to adjust to different customs and religions was eradicated when my husband made an effort to join in the celebrations as far as he is comfortable and as his religion allows. So now we celebrate both Christmas and Chinese New Year, All Saints Day and the Seven Months Ghost festivals.

As I was reading the report about how Singaporean still have different attitudes when it come to race-related issues, I was not surprise that most Singaporean baulking at the thought of marrying someone of another race.

As my husband and I are of a different race, I should have been more open to inter-racial marriages. I was thus surprised when I discovered that I was not very accommodating when my eighteen year old son start to date girls from different race and religion. So far he has friends of whom one is an Arab-Malay girl and another Sikh. I noticed that I did not made so many comments when he told me about his Chinese girlfriends as compared to those of the other races until my good friend asked my why I was making so much noise.

The other day, my younger son asked me what race is he, as he has a Eurasian father and a Chinese mother. I suggested that he says he is a Eurasian Chinese until his father put his foot down and said he is a Eurasian.

After being married to a Eurasian for almost twenty years, I discovered that deep down I still cannot forget my Chinese roots. I always felt good when I can speak in dialect with my friends or eat Chinese food. Yet by embracing the Eurasian culture with an open attitude, I had discovered so much more from how to make a good fruit cake to cooking the definitive Devil Curry. (one day I hope)


In that report entitled The Ties that Bind and Blind, those that were polled said that they have no problem dealing with a person of authority who is form a different race but when it come to marriage, many said that they would not be willing to marry some one of a different race.

Perhaps it is the fear of the unknown or the inconvenience of having to adjust to different customs and practices. Maybe it because we Singaporean are practical people and believe that marriage is already tough without having these additional factors to consider.

However I believe that once we are in love we will be able to look beyond these issues and see the person and not the race per se. After all like what my son once explained to me, the skin may be yellow, pink, fair or dark but the blood will always be red.

I have grown to accept the possibility that my future daughter might be someone of a difference race from me and I believe that I can be as open and accepting of them as my parents have been to my husband.

PAOful Blog

Bloggging is now part and parcel of our life. Once it belongs to the internet savvy and the young and trendy but now it seems like anyone can and does blog. For example, an ex-college of mine, Dick Yip, who retired last year started a popular blog (http://redsports.sg ) which highlights the local school sport scene and was able to have 26 000 monthly readers and 77 000 monthly pages views within a year.

There are as many reasons for people to blog as there are reasons for people to communicate. However, the desire to share with the virtual world may have unintended consequences for the blogger and the viewers that read the blog.

My friend’s son, Mark, discovered on the eve of his exam that one of his classmate, whom he has considered to be a close friend of his, has blogged about him. Although his classmate has used an acronym to represent Mark, any one who read the blog would know that the person referred to was him. Her remarks about Mark hurt him very much but luckily Mark was matured enough not to let it last long enough to affect his performance in the examination.

Whenever I write or blog, I will always use this acronym PAO to judge my effort. P stands for purpose or the intension of my writing. Do I want to inspire or motivate my readers? Or to I want to vent my anger or push the blame to someone else? Or maybe I just want to entertain or share an experience with my readers. A stands for the audience who read my blog or writing. These would include those whom I am aware of and those that I am unaware of. Recently I put a starcounter on my blog and was surprise to see the number of unique visitors that visit my blog. Finally O stands for the outcome that I want the audience to have when they read my writing.

I find that many bloggers often forget this aspect when they blog especially when they are angry and want to get an issue off their chest. They just type furiously and let their ideas and emotions run away with them.

When I come across such blogs, Plato’s chariot will come to my mind. Plato an ancient Greek philosopher, use the Chariot Allegory to explain the role of emotion in our life. He describes the Charioteer as driving a chariot pulled by two horses. One horse is white with a long neck and is well bred and well behaved and thus need not require the whip. The other is black with a short neck, badly bred, taxing and require the whip to behave.

According to Plato, the charioteer represents the rational and intellectual aspect of the person. The white horse symbolizes moral impulse or the positive aspect of the passionate nature while the black horse represents the irrational passions or concupiscent nature. The charioteer would have to use the whip constantly to whip the black horse so that the two horses can go where the charioteer wants to go. If the charioteer fails to control this black horse, then most probably the horse will go wherever he wants.

I find that when a blogger blogs when he is angry, the chances of him using words that can hurt his audience will be higher. When he is confronted with what he has blogged, he would claimed that it was not his intension to hurt the person he was blogging or to offend his reader. He might not be aware that the words he uses may have a negative impact or outcome for his audience.

Because the internet is still evolving and the rules for engagement are still being formulated, we may easily forget to use the whip to tame the black horse that sometime runs while in the blogs.

Blogging has been around for over a decade and as more people jump on the bandwagon to blog, I hope that they are aware that a blog is very different from a conversation or even a diary.

With powerful search engine like Goggle, just a few simple click of the mouse will enable anyone to reach any blog he wants. Unlike a diary which is private, a blog is never private even with five different passwords encrypted in a blog. This is because you can never guarantee that your readers will not post what you have written onto their own blog which might then become public domain. Unlike a conversation which is seldom recorded, readers can trace back and infer various meaning to what you have written a few months or even a few years back. Many bloggers are not aware that they leave a paper trail behind when they blog.

I remember that I was afraid of blogging until last year when I decided to goggle my name and was shocked at the number of people whom I do not know expressed their views about what I have written with regard to being an obedient wife in 2005 in the I Say column. Some bloggers were very vocal with regard to what I have shared about being a submissive wife in this modern, post-feminist era. The funny thing was that I sailed through the year 2005 without knowing that this was happening in the blogging world.

Once, I was in my family doctor clinic and I suggested that he goggled his name to see what others were writing about him. Instead, he goggled his daughter’s name and was shocked that she had proclaimed that she was a 23 year old woman when she was only 13 years old.

However, I am glad that most bloggers are responsible and if someone oversteps major social norms and cultural sensitivities, they will be flamed by other bloggers.

Perhaps before we get flamed we should remember to PAO our blog.

Children's Day, Children's Right

October 1 is Children's Day. After organizing numerous children’s party for them and the final balloon has burst, perhaps it is a good time to take stock and examine if we have provided our children with their basic rights.

According to the United Nations Convention of the Rights of the Child, Article 18(1), "Parents or, as the case may be, legal guardians, have the primary responsibility for the upbringing and development of the child. The best interests of the child will be their basic concern."

It was an exciting time when my eldest son was born for his grandparents as he was the first grandson and great-grand son. He was spoilt rotten with gifts galore. When he was naughty, he was seldom disciplined and was excused as being mischievous or just being a child. Once, we felt that a good caning was required but one of his grandparents was upset with our mode of punishment. We had to put our foot down and explained firmly yet gently that our child is our primary responsibility and it was our duty to discipline him.

With women working, many of us have to depend on our parents to look after our children. However, grandparents sometimes forget their role and took over role of the parents.

For example, one of my acquaintances has left strict instructions to her parents not to let her baby listen to a particular genre of music. The grandfather, however, insists that the baby listen to it and give explicit instruction to his wife to play the music when the child’s mother is not around. The grandfather has overstepped his boundary and did not respect his daughter rights.

Often grandparents would defend themselves and justify their action by saying that they have the best interest of the grandchild at heart. But what happens when there is a conflict or difference of opinion? Who should give way? The parents deferring to the grandparents? Or the grandparents graciously letting go of their children and trusting that they will do a good job with their grandchild?

The grandparents still have an important role to play in a grandchild’s life. They can create a safe environment where the child can explore and play, they can tell stories or comfort the child when he falls.

However when it comes to the area of discipline, the upbringing and development of the child, parents must maintain the primary responsibility and have the final say.

As parents, we can not give the excuse of project deadlines, overseas work assignments and unreasonable employer demand as an excuse to avoid the role and responsibility of bring up a child. We have heard of a pair of missionary workers who were consistently seeking overseas missionary work to do while leaving their two young children behind to be looked after by their relatives.

Our children have the right to a healthy relationship with us. They have the right to grow up in a safe, caring environment where they are free to develop and grow to their fullest potential. Our role as parents is to nurture the talents and gifts that are hidden in our children and not living our unfulfilled life through them. Often in the name of wanting the best for our children, we failed to recognize their needs and their interest.

Recently, a lawyer quit her high pay job to be a teacher and took a hefty paycut. She is lead a more fulfill and happier life now as a teacher instead of working in a stressed-filled environment for almost 18 hours a day. Her father had insisted that she read law. Luckily she had the courage to take charge of her life and change her job before it was too late.

A middle age mother of two was not so brave. Growing up with a strong-will and domineering mother, she has recently committed herself to a seven year part time course. Although she has no interest at all in this course, her mother had insisted on it. Consequently she is not given a space to grow into a responsible, mature adult with her two children suffering as she finds it difficult to function as a parent.

Being a parent in Singapore is a delicate balancing job. We have to balance our career with our children, and the demands of our children with that of our parents. However when we are cleared that our basic concern is in the best interest of our children, we should not go wrong. Are we ready to celebrate Children’s Day?
















Note: This is a response from a reader.
I am the 'not so brave' mother mentioned in the article and feel that I have been grossly and unfairly misrepresented here. I wish to correct my friend's skewed perspective that 'my children are suffering'. Check out my story in http://www.jonisiah.blogspot.com/



Dear Readers
I would like to encourage all readers to go to her blog to check out her story.
Mamafess

To be or not to be

I grew up in a shop house in North Bridge Road. Below the living quarters is a hairdresser shop. Every morning, a gentleman who worked in the bank would come with a wig for the hairdresser to set. In the evening, a woman would come for the wig to be attached to her head. It was only later that I realized that the gentleman and woman were the same person. One of the hairdressers was a beautiful and demure lady who “married” another woman who had gone for a sex change-operation. Sometime my mother and I used to go to the near-by, infamous Johore Road to buy supper. Often, we would see transvestite being arrested.

I grew up accepting them as a normal part of my social environment. I do not see them as different or deviant. I was not aware that gays, lesbian and transvestites had to handle societal discrimination, prejudice and intolerance.

As homosexual began to push for more social acceptance in Singapore, the mainstream society had to face the issue of how to co-exist with them.

I, too have to grapple with this issue as my religion do not accept or make allowance for the existence of homosexual in the community. At best, they are asked to live a celibate live before they are accepted into the fold. Some choose this difficult and discipline path because their faith are important to them while others kick the dust off their feet and join other churches that embrace them with open arms.

As one human being to another, I want to accept them as persons accorded with the same courtesy, respect and regard as I would provide to any other heterosexual.

However as a person belonging to a particular religious affiliation, there are certain rules, doctrine and decree that we have to adhere to. For example, most religions do not accept the taking of life and if someone kills, we have to have the courage to say that it is wrong.

But is being homosexual as serious as being a murder or is it just a matter of life style choice?

Homosexual will argue that they are no different from other heterosexual people apart from their sexual preferences. They laugh, cry, are able to remain faithful to one person, and have feelings. Each time they face, discrimination and prejudices in school, in the work place and in society they are hurt.

As for us heterosexual, isn’t it the time for us to consider this issue rationally? Regardless of our religious preference, I am very sure that most of the religion in Singapore demand and extol us to treat every human with the dignity and respect they deserve. Even a convicted murderer deserve our respect no matter how atrocious the crime he has committed. Every reformed criminal should be given a chance to be integrated into society.

Perhaps in our continued journey of open discussion with the gay community, we must remember that we have to respect each other personal and social space. The gay community should not demand that we change our religious viewpoints in order to accommodate them while the heterosexual community should not treat the gay as social outcast.

August is the month of gay pride season again. Are we as a society ready to engage each other in dialogue so that mutual understanding can be developed? Can the gay accept the fact that the certain heterosexual religious group will not be able to or are willing to give up their religious preferences just as the gay are not willing or able to give up their sexual preference?

Or would they gay be continued to be treated like the mutants like those in the X-Men trilogy? Is there a Professor Charles Xavier in Singapore who is able to bridge this widening gap between these two communities?

The write does not accept the homosexual life style but is willing to accept the homosexual community as one that is made up of human being.

So what makes a marriage work

I MARRIED my husband when he was only 22 years old and three months after he had
completed his National Service. I was 25 then and several relatives even discreetly asked if it was a shotgun wedding.

According to the Singapore Department of Statistics, which recently released the figures for marriages and divorces in 2006, marriages with at least one person aged 20 to 24 are most likely to fail. For every 1,000 married men in this age group last year, slightly more than 50 bailed out of their marriages. The number of divorces hit a high with 7,061 divorces and annulments.

Based on the above figures, the odds should have been against us staying married. Yet, we are looking forward to celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary next year.

On the eve of my friend’s wedding recently, he spent the afternoon in our house. He was aware of the trends andhoped that his marriage would last as long as ours. Yet, he was not very hopeful as he was aware of the distractions he could encounter once he plunged into mid-life. He was worried about the sweet secretary sashaying seductively in his office or the charming foreign lady ever ready to ensnare an honest and hardworking Singaporean. He wondered if we had ever considered living together.

While my husband and I did seriously consider it, we realised that this kind of experiential, pseudo marriage was not the real McCoy.

Many have argued that the high rate of divorce and other problems that are encountered in marriages suggest that a trial marriage or living together before tying the knot would make sense.

However, many do not realise that this would not be feasible as a real marriage is secure, while an experimental one is only temporary. The security in a proper marriage makes it easier for honest and authentic dialogue to help one another grow.

Before we got married, my husband and I agreed that divorce was not an option. We were committed to the lasting quality of committed love. Of course, we have had our own seven-year itches and both of us have been tempted more than once to walk away from each other. Temptation is not a problem until we give in to it. Instead of suppressing temptation, we faced it together as a couple.

A marriage should not be entered into in a light-hearted or frivolous manner. Often in Singapore, a couple might be pressured into marriage so as to buy a flat. This could well be one reason why marriages with a person aged 20 to 24 in the relationship sometimes fail.

One friend walked away from his “HDB marriage” when he realised that he was not compatible with the girl he had been going out with for the past seven years. In the end, he married someone else although everyone was telling him that it was a waste to throw away a seven-year relationship.

Ultimately, a marriage is a sign that one has made a commitment to each other. This commitment should not be easily shaken by problems with the in-laws, finances, work or children. It is a long-term decision that should not be based on feelings alone.

Another friend divorced her husband of four months because she believed she had lost all feelings for him. It might be difficult for her to establish a long-term relationship with anyone if it is based on emotions alone.

More than just depending on chronological age, it is the maturity of the individual that determines if a marriage will last.

Our eldest son Angus 18 with our youngest son Anicius 2.


MY ELDEST son will turn 18 this week. He will be old enough to drink legally
and his college mates have been waiting to take him to a pub. He can buy beer,
cigarettes and even condoms legally. As his birthday approaches, I wonder
if my husband and I have brought him up well.

Will he give in to peer pressure and live a life that we consider decadent? Will
he consider alternative lifestyles which we are not yet ready to accept? What happens
if he chooses to marry someone who is of a different race or religion from us?

Given that he is our eldest son, we had to learn by trial and error as parents
and realise our mistakes along the way.

In reflection, we realise that it is now easier to bring up the rest of our children
because of him. In a way, children are like dogs, we discovered. They can be trained when they are young but once they hit their teens, it is as good as trying to teach an old dog new tricks. To teach our son responsibility, we used to put a reasonable
amount of money in the moneybox for him to take for recess. If he spent it before
the next allowance was due, he had to remain hungry.

He learned to obey the rules that we established. For example, when he played in the park, we expected him to set the time limit and to return home on time.

So, when he became a teenager, he was already used to a curfew and tried to return
by 10pm. And if he needed to return later, he was expected to call.

Now, we will have to continue this process with our youngest child who will
be turning two in August. Already the little tyke is testing our will, just like his
older brother 16 years ago.

He is learning to establish his identity and is exploring how far he can push
his boundaries.

We realised that if we teach our youngest son now, we should be able to avoid some of the problems that parents encounter with their teenagers.

One of the problems with many families in Singapore is the dual-income situation,
ie both parents work to bring home the bacon. Ours is a typical family with the maid
being the main provider of household services.

Many parents take the easy way out and expect the maid to be a surrogate parent.
Kids sometimes end up being used to giving orders to the maid and expect
adults to obey their every whim and fancy.

It is no wonder that such children tend to find it difficult to listen to their parents.

Our children have learnt to obey us as they know that the authority lies with
us, the parents.

We are the final arbiters of privileges, punishments and penalties. When
our children break the house rules, we have to ensure they bear the consequences
of their actions.

Now that my son is close to being an adult, we have to learn to cut the apron
strings too.

All too often, we are tempted to provide him with a solution when he encounters
problems.

But now we have to learn to listen to him more for him to work out his difficulties
himself. As parents, we always proclaim that we want the best for our child. But is the best really for him or for ourselves? When we help him to make a career choice, is it based on sound judgment or based on our unfulfilled dreams? When we give
him opinions about his girlfriends, did we base our views on the kind of daughter-
in-law we want or on the one he can love?

Ultimately the best birthday gift we can give our son is not another guitar or
hand phone but a pair of wings to fly and explore his brave new world.