I MARRIED my husband when he was only 22 years old and three months after he had
completed his National Service. I was 25 then and several relatives even discreetly asked if it was a shotgun wedding.
According to the Singapore Department of Statistics, which recently released the figures for marriages and divorces in 2006, marriages with at least one person aged 20 to 24 are most likely to fail. For every 1,000 married men in this age group last year, slightly more than 50 bailed out of their marriages. The number of divorces hit a high with 7,061 divorces and annulments.
Based on the above figures, the odds should have been against us staying married. Yet, we are looking forward to celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary next year.
On the eve of my friend’s wedding recently, he spent the afternoon in our house. He was aware of the trends andhoped that his marriage would last as long as ours. Yet, he was not very hopeful as he was aware of the distractions he could encounter once he plunged into mid-life. He was worried about the sweet secretary sashaying seductively in his office or the charming foreign lady ever ready to ensnare an honest and hardworking Singaporean. He wondered if we had ever considered living together.
While my husband and I did seriously consider it, we realised that this kind of experiential, pseudo marriage was not the real McCoy.
Many have argued that the high rate of divorce and other problems that are encountered in marriages suggest that a trial marriage or living together before tying the knot would make sense.
However, many do not realise that this would not be feasible as a real marriage is secure, while an experimental one is only temporary. The security in a proper marriage makes it easier for honest and authentic dialogue to help one another grow.
Before we got married, my husband and I agreed that divorce was not an option. We were committed to the lasting quality of committed love. Of course, we have had our own seven-year itches and both of us have been tempted more than once to walk away from each other. Temptation is not a problem until we give in to it. Instead of suppressing temptation, we faced it together as a couple.
A marriage should not be entered into in a light-hearted or frivolous manner. Often in Singapore, a couple might be pressured into marriage so as to buy a flat. This could well be one reason why marriages with a person aged 20 to 24 in the relationship sometimes fail.
One friend walked away from his “HDB marriage” when he realised that he was not compatible with the girl he had been going out with for the past seven years. In the end, he married someone else although everyone was telling him that it was a waste to throw away a seven-year relationship.
Ultimately, a marriage is a sign that one has made a commitment to each other. This commitment should not be easily shaken by problems with the in-laws, finances, work or children. It is a long-term decision that should not be based on feelings alone.
Another friend divorced her husband of four months because she believed she had lost all feelings for him. It might be difficult for her to establish a long-term relationship with anyone if it is based on emotions alone.
More than just depending on chronological age, it is the maturity of the individual that determines if a marriage will last.
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