WHEN I share with friends that we believe in caning our children, we are often met with disbelief and sometimes horror. Some would even suggest that we are barbarians.
Once, our six year old persisted in lying despite numerous efforts to explain to her the importance of telling the truth. She was caught red-handed this time and we decided to cane her.
Her grandmother became her greatest advocate; I guess she did not wish for us to inflict pain on her grandchild. But had we given in to grandma's pleas, our daughter would have learnt that she can escape the consequences of her actions.
Worse, she would have learnt that as long as an action can be rationalised away, she need not be caned.
We have a standard operating procedure for the caning session. First, the child is asked to go to the toilet to relieve herself. Then, she is required to bring the chair to us — this is the chair she bends over to present her backside for caning.
Next, she chooses the cane (normally it's the simple one). Notice that we have built up the tension for the session, so much that a light touch of the cane would bring on the maximum impact.
Of course, sometimes when the crime is very serious, we will not spare the rod and we give three or more hard thwacks on the backside that will leave red marks for a few hours, even days.
Does it work? Yes, as the fear of punishment or the memory of the caning session has made our children toe the line. Our friends are impressed that our six children are so obedient that our orders (especially their father's) are obeyed.
In our family, the father is the highest authority. Unlike the stern father figure that most of us have grown up with, my husband plays and laughs with the children. Yet they know that if they cross the line, they will get it from him.
Some fathers are afraid of appearing authoritative or aloof to their children. They try to be a "good buddy" or a good-time Joe to their children at all times.
By making life exclusively a game, they show not only that life is not serious but that authority is frivolous. Believing that he is doing good for his children, such a father instead creates a vacuum of authority in their mind.
Many teenagers, too, rebel against the discipline of the home. French author Henri Delassus warned against this phenomena in the early 20th century. He argued that a great mistake has been to ignore the traditional emphasis on the role of authority a husband and father should exercise.
I am not suggesting that the father should be an autocrat, where his home is his castle, his word is law and his wife and children tip-toe around his wishes. But by being authoritative, the father provides the boundaries for the child to grow up in a secure environment. The child knows that he can be free to grow and explore as long as he stays within the limits.
And if the child should cross the line, punishment must be immediate and painful. Too often, parents are afraid to allow their children to feel pain and deprivation. Instead, they explain away the children's wrongdoing, saying that he or she is still young, still growing.
The first concept my baby learns is the word: "No". As he crawls around the house, we say "no" if he touches the plug or other out-of-bounds items. If he insists, we hit him lightly on the hand and he soon learns that certain things cannot be done.
Of course, sometimes he cries and throws a tantrum, and we are tempted to give in. If we do so continuously, then he will grow up a spoilt brat. But if we ride out the crying storm, we teach him that blackmailing us is an ineffective way to get our attention.
Disciplining a child cannot be outsourced to the school. If a child is well brought up at home, he will learn to function well in school and there is no need for the school to discipline the child.
When a child does misbehave in class, the parent must support the school in applying punishment in accordance with its rules.
The greatest disservice any parent can do is to override the schools' authority — if the child gets away scot-free, he grows up leaning that he can break the rules of society.
"There is nothing to fear as my papa will bail me out," he thinks. That is, indeed, a fearful thought.
This article first appeared in TODAY on 30.11.2006
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5 comments:
let her know that how many parents appreiate her
method in bringing up children.
hope the present parents heed the advice.of the reader
and try to follow it
thanking you sir. kvl shanta, singapore
Comments from David Poh
I have only one child and he is a boy. So majority , if not all, of you would have thought that we would have spoilt or pampered him since young.
Well, yes and no. It is natural that we love our only child and pamper with with toys, etc... But we also discipline him. So what do we mean by that?
The boy gets lots of toy to play with and got his way provided his requests were reasonable. But when he was naughty and mis-behaved; eg does not eat his meals, show no respect to his elders, insisted on having his way against our better judgements..., he got caned.
Kids below 8 years old, are not in the position to reason with us or
understand pure logic and the challenges in lives, but they definitely know pain inflicted by caning. So it is a signal to them that their behaviour is not acceptable. After some time, they will learn to obey and respect that
we, the parents, love them and cane them to teach them values and principles of life, setting up a proper foundation. I told my son that because we love him, we are correcting him and bother to teach him the rights and wrongs,
and consequneces of his actions. I remember our family doctor telling my son that parents always love their children and will not do anything to harm them, so listen to them.
I watch a few episodes of the reality show, Super Nanny, with my son. We came to the conclusion that if the parents have discipline their children
early and caned them, their kids would have been behaved better. We were shocked that the kids could swear and hit their parents and the Mother, most of the time, felt hopeless and unwanted by them. I suppose this is due to different cultures as I remember my brother cautioning me not to discipline
my son by hitting him in public when we were visiting him overseas.
Caning should not be misconstrued as child abuse or severe physical
punishment. Some form of discipline is definitely a must and caning works, from my personal experience. I am sad to see some of my friends losing control of their children, who are in their teens now, because they have not
disciplined their children when they were young. The kids in their teens will definitely rebel, which is normal due to their hormonal changes, and especialy when you suddenly try to set the ground rules for them which you have not done so when they were younger.
I am glad to say that my son is now in his teens and we are enjoying a reasonable good realtionship though we still have some differences. He could not remember the times that I caned him when he was young. You can see that certain principles or good behaviour have been instilled in him; eg greeting elders and being polite to people even if strangers in public.
There is no magic formula but we, as parents, have to find an effective way to handle our children and some form of discipine is definitely required
when they are young no matter how much we love them and hate to scold or cane them. Saying that they are just kids and let them be, is a very bad excuse for not disciplining them. Your headache will come when they reached
their teens and then you will regret what you have said.
I agree that it is important to let children know that there's consequence to every action. Indeed difficult to talk sense to kids. They learn better from pain, in fact, everyone does, i feel.
I don't know much about parenting but can speak from a child's view. I am 17, from a family where caning was very common. Caning works for us? I would say no. Caning did make us polite kids, kids who always have consequences in mind, don't neglect studies etc. But we are very rebellious. If cane is what made us obey, well, then obeying days are over since it's impossible to cane us now.
I feel that caning should reduce as children grow, substituting with reasoning as they comprehend better.
My case is one of those extreme and very unhealthy ones i suppose. Just hope that parents know how to balance.
I know friends who have never been beaten in any form, still they turn out excellent in all areas, respecting their parents, people, law and morals. I guess there's no one perfect way of parenting that can apply to all.
*shrugs* I speak for myself.
Yes I agree that excessive caining will not work neither will caining a child in anger.
What my family practise is controled caining where we cain with a purpose and after a caining session, explain to our children why they are cained. We also expect them to understand and explain to us why they deserved to be cained.
Ultimately, we want thinking children, reflective children who know what is right and wrong and are motivated by a sense of values.
Being rebellious is part of growing up , a way to ensure that society progress. If parents do not allow the freedom for children to grow, children will in the end rebel.
It is not esay being a parent but it is more difficult to be a child in this day and age
Why is there a need for the child to relieve himself/herself? Tks for the useful article as I am exploring the use of the cane on my boys for misbehaviours such as lying
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